It's been a while.

Wow! It's been a year since my last post... I guess life has gotten the best of me. As I sit here, holding Lexi... (It seems to be what I do a lot these days) Im thinking of how much our life has been blessed, and changed. A lot has changed in ways I never thought would. But it's making us a stronger family, and most important teaching us how to really be more humble. I'm still searching for answers through God, and I do have to admit that I feel like I have lost my way in the journey. I strive to be a woman of god, and to serve in gods way, I just don't know how right now. That feeling of being lost is the biggest part I'm struggling with. I would so love to have Alex by my side in going to church and raising a Christian family. But I understand if he is not wanting to do that right now. You have to want it for yourself not for someone else, and then you will really know how much more amazing life can be with god holding your hand. I too, need to remember this and want this for myself. A lot of my friends are preggo with baby number 2 and ask me... How is it with 2? Life with 2, It's different than 1 that's for sure. It's challenging most of the time. Only because I have to split my attention to both children now and before it was all about Abbey. Abbey is testing me too, "how much can I get away with? How many buttons can I push." I feel like all I do is yell lately. I know this isn't always true, but at night when Abbey is asleep all I hear in my head is the resonating yells from earlier that day and I feel horrible. Then I have Lexi, who I am the sole caregiver right now, since I got the milk, and smell that she wants to be near. She screams at me about 1/2 the time she is awake. Which by the way is so completely different than Abbey, the perfect baby. I dont know what to do with her most of the time. Im just exhausted. But when abbey says something priceless, that I wish I would just write down or had a video camera for, and she comes up to me and says "I love you mama", then having 2 is all worth it. And Lexi's smile and little giggle, that I know is probably just gas, but I pretend it's towards me, then having 2 is all worth it. My advice, which I have barrowed from a friend, remember your children are human to. They are entitled to a bad day once in a while too. It's ok to have a mommy time out every once in a while, and don't forget to connect with other adults around you. If all I do during a bad day is watch movies and hold the baby, it doesn't make me a bad mom, it makes me human. At least every night my kids go to sleep knowing they are loved to the fullest and in return I know they love me. Oh and when your 2 yr old looks at you and says "I hate you mama", they really have no idea what they are saying or how those words make people feel, so don't take it personal. - it's amazing that I've learned this just in the last 7 weeks. I can't wait to see what I learn in the next 18 years. As I have a meoment to write this, and although I really should be taking a shower while there is a calm in the storm,I realize that this might be Gods plan all a long. Ok that's just obvious that it was his plan but I just realized it. This might just be another push for me to use him on becoming a better mother and in turn a better woman of god. To glorify him in my kids and my self in this journey of parenthood. Well with that said, off to shower and return to my life as mom, since a this moment of silence in my home is going to come to a quick end once Lexi notices I'm not within 5-10 feet of her. Until my next post... Good night.